Prison Escape 101

Posted on 03 July 2015

Coming to theaters this Fall, the escape of two prisoners with last names that should be first names or methods of cooling off. Richard Matt and David Sweat star in 'Prison Escape 101'.

Cue trailer:

But how did they get out? Maybe they cozied up with an expendable security guard. She may have helped deliver the tools they needed to dig a tunnel to fugitive-hood. Ah, can't you just smell Canada? Hockey sticks, waffles, and quasi French people ... yum. Apparently, Sweat and Matt weren't actually headed north. They were en route to the home of the world's grimiest Spring Break resorts...Mexico. I don't think they'd purposefully be topless in Cancun unlike the rest of us. It would have been neither a visit for business nor pleasure. More like 'refuge.' Well, I guess that's pretty common on Spring Break too.

So the power duo that, when combined, create Sweaty Matt supposedly obtained their tools through frozen meat. A few words of advice to those celebrating the Fourth of July this Saturday ... inspect your meat. And take your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about the meat you whack onto the grill. Or maybe you're just a bit strange and have always dreamed of finding power tools in your burger. Daddy needs a new hacksaw.

In all seriousness, when will this be a movie? I'm waiting. I think it should first be played at every prison in the U.S. just so the prisoners can add their valuable input on how to make it the best, more horrifyingly realistic jail breakout movie ever. I can already envision at least one of their extremely insightful thoughts.

"Richard went by 'Dick.' So really, together, they made Dick Sweat."

Well, in all seriousness, we were in danger of Dick Sweat. And it was actually kind of a thrill. Watch out local cineplex, here comes 'Prison Escape 101.' Eat your heart out, Stephen King ... Dick Sweat is going straight to the top. Again, mind out of the gutter.

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